the day i met my husband

it was december 31st, 1999. “mr. wonderful” was half-convinced that the world would fall into chaos on y2k. he didn’t want to take any chances. he loaded up his car with food and water and decided that the best way to spend the last day of the millennium was alone, in the wilderness, far away from society.

instead, he ended up in manhattan.

his best friend, “bread monkey”, his wife “mary lou”, and their friend “chevy” were headed for bread monkey’s brother’s apartment in new york and dragged mr. wonderful along with them. they get to the brother “dwight’s” house, where they pick up bread monkey’s grandmother “mama” and dwight’s boyfriend “big gay al” and head into the city.

in the meantime, i’m in my itsy bitsy one room apartment in alphabet city. i was adding green and purple streaks to my newly platinum hair when my pager went off. i didn’t have a phone, so i went to the corner payphone, the hair dye still sitting in my goopy hair. it was my best friend, dwight, telling me that a whole troupe of friends and family had shown up on his doorstep and they all wanted to celebrate the new years downtown, preferably around my place.

i wasn’t in the best mood. because of y2k, i was expected to work that night. the last thing i wanted was a bunch of people to have a blast at my place while i was stuck at work. not to mention, green hair dye was starting to drip down my shoulders. “sure, whatever. you have a key. i gotta go to work but i should be off soon after midnight. i’ll come find you guys if you’re still out partying.”

i finished my hair, dressed for work, and ran out to do a little bit of shopping. toilet paper. sodas. chips. donuts. oj. i walked down the stairs into my basement apartment, my arms laden with groceries. it was a bright day outside and the lights in the hall were broken as usual. as i stumbled into the basement, i caught a glimpse of a man silhouetted by the back door as he walked right into my apartment.

imagine coming home to watch a very tall, broad shouldered, perfectly proportioned man wearing a worn leather cowboy hat breaking into your house. my first thought wasn’t “i’m being robbed” or “i hope they don’t kill me” but rather “damn that’s a pretty man”.

before i could get too worried, i heard voices and realized that dwight was early and had already settled into my apartment. this must be one of the guys he brought. fortunately, the apartment was tiny and was now stuffed to the gills with eight people so accidentally brushing up against the cowboy, mr. wonderful, was not difficult, especially in the sliver of the kitchen.

but alas they didn’t want to stay in my crowded kitchen. they wanted to go party and i had to go to work. as i walked them to a nearby bar, i couldn’t help but throw myself at mr. wonderful. i’ve never been the type of person to do that, especially to a guy that i had just met. however, he was only in town for one night and i was infatuated. so i flirted like my life depended on it.

as soon as i get to work, my on-again-off-again boyfriend “the lumberjack” calls. he’s changed his mind. he, too, had to work that night but he hadn’t wanted to go out after we both got off. now he wanted to take me out. “no dice. i’ve made other plans and the man of my dreams is waiting for me in the west village.” funny how even off-again boyfriends don’t like hearing that you have a date with another man. when i got off work a few hours early, he was waiting for me in the lobby, determined to go out with us.

fine. he could come, i didn’t care. we met up with my friends at a bar on houston. introducing mr. wonderful to the lumberjack was a little awkward, but what can you do? the night progressed and i was pleasantly amused to watch them try to each win my affections from the other. at one point i found myself in my apartment with just the lumberjack, mr. wonderful, mama, and big gay al. mr. wonderful was sitting in the corner, nearly passed out for the copious amounts of liqueur he had consumed.

suddenly, he stood up, tossed his cowboy hat onto my bed, stumbled out of my apartment, out the backyard, and started throwing up in the courtyard. it wouldn’t have been so bad except my apartment’s only windows were open and facing the courtyard. a nice breeze carried the sounds and smells right into my bedroom. the lumberjack turned to me with an “i win” grin on his face. “tell me you still find that guy attractive now,” he smirked.

“actually, i still want him,” i answered.

the world didn’t end at midnight on y2k. planes didn’t drop out of the sky. power plants didn’t blow up. the world kept spinning. my world, however, wasn’t so unscathed. mr. wonderful went back to his military base 500 miles away. the man who would become my husband had left and i didn’t even have so much as a phone number for him. but i knew that wasn’t the end of it. it couldn’t be.